I am a stickler...

...for correct spellings. If it’s a sunny day, and I’m feeling Godly, I may choose to forgive an occasional grammatical mistake, but I simply cannot stand wrong spellings. This, in spite of a Cambridge University study wchih pvores that you can raed and udnersnatd snetneecs if the frsit and lsat ltteers of the wrods are in palce. Only I know how difficult it was for me to write the above sentence – to convince myself to deliberately put the letters in the wrong places. But I digress. If I were not like this, I wouldn’t be the spellchecker for the professor, would I? Anyways.

GOOD DAY. This is KIRAN R PAWAR is This right time to talk to you? As you
are aware I am working with LIC, LIC is conducting a customer satisfaction
sarway. The corporation wants to know your views on Life Insurance
Mr. ________I want to meet you for about 15; minuets. Would you prefer That of come at 10am Saturday or nest day Sunday be more suitable? (your view :s are Important to us)
Thanking you
You finical friends
Kiran R. Pawar

And so began my autopsy of the ill-fated letter which dared to seek my mailbox with all its lacunae. And as if he were standing here in front of me, my friend starts asking -
Is this a good time to talk to you?
NO. Why is he going on?
As you are aware, I am working for LIC?
As YOU are obviously unaware, this is the first time I’m talking to you, so I’m not aware. Ok, now I’m aware. Now what?
The corporation wants to know your views on Life Insurance Mr.
What? Is this an interrogation, mister? Or is it like Mr._________, I want to meet you for 15; meet you for 15? You want 15 from me? 15 what? *Flabbergasted* Oh minuets? You want to meet me for 15 minuets? 15 dances and that too old style? Crazy hua kya? I’m no ‘Writh’ik Roshan, mind you.
Would you prefer that?
Prefer what? The dance?
Would you prefer that of come at 10am Saturday?
Any suggestions?
Or nest day Sunday be more suitable?
I thought Sunday was a rest day. Nest Day? What do we do? Go and nest? Or is it that on a “nest day be more suitable”, and other days be less suitable? Suitable for what? Nesting? Huh? And in the bracket he writes – your view :s are important to us. I have half a hunch the ‘:’ implies another meaning. Which view is he talking about? Sunday? Nesting? View? Whew!!!
You finical friends – Kiran R Pawar
Friends? I assume that the r is “or”. Which leads me to believe that there are two of them, both finical and intending to maintain an air of mystery. Oooh!!! Super. But then, who is the “this” pointer when they say in the first line “this is Kiran (or) Pawar”

And even though I spellcheck all the posts and comments for the professor, she does have an other side - she won this contest with this gem of an entry, you see. So as soon as I received this email, I sent it to her. Sometimes, it helps to know you have competition around.

Quick one

All right, this is a quick one now.

What is Himmy's favourite toy?
Balloooonn.

Oooonnn

You must be knowing that Oxford adds a new word to its dictionary every year. This year's word is oooonning.

Oooonning: verb, the act of singing through one's nose, usually before or in the opening lines of a song. The most famous proponent of this form of singing is Himmy, who compares himself to the legendary sufi and ghazal singer, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan.

All was fine when Sallu offered Himmy his first break in PKTDK. Humraaz, methinks, was the latest display of his sanity. Later, he appeared as a gharana trainer in Sa Re Ga Ma Pa- Music Director ka Mahayuddh. He was just a music director then, like Jatin-Lalit and Ismail Durbar. He was okay in the first few rounds. Later when his protege Vinit's luck turned with a baseball cap, Himmy took to it as well.

What Himmy does is - he doesn't bath for a week, gets a crew cut, grows a beard, gets a torn baseball cap, a worn leather jacket, a steel mike and starts ooooonnning. First he is seen sharing space with heroes in remixes of his own songs. Then others are seen sharing space with him, in his own music video. Talk of role reversal. (Come to think of it, oooooo sounds same if you sing it forward or reverse. Oh! Dear Me !!! Such versatility.)

Aashiq Banaya Aapne, the first product of this oooonn business is a smashing hit. It breaks all records (There were none, in the first place. This was the first ooonn album, remember?).

Then, my friends, begins to spread - the Himmy virus. So much that MTV makes a spoof of it:
A person affected by Himmy virus (ooooonnn Khajoor, 13 13 13 surrooor)
-> begins to wear a baseball cap suddenly.
-> wears a old leather jacket.
-> grows a stubble.
-> thinks Ismail Durbar does not know anything.
-> holds a guitar with no idea of how to play it.
-> thinks the nose is for singing and not for breathing.

If you know any person affected by this please send HIMESH (ech eye yem eee yes ech) to 8459, for vaccination.

Himmy delivers hit after hit in Aksar, Chinatown and his first non-film ooolbum "Tera suroor". Research done on "Himms", yeah these are the names for Himmy compositions, show that one particular single or double syllable word repeats at least twice. And more often than not, its 13 13...13 13. No?

Take a look-
Mar Jawa Jawa Mar jawa mar jawa mit jawa..
Aa Aa Aashiquin mein teri..
Zara Jhoom Jhoom..
Naam hai tera tera..
Tera tera tera surroor..
Laagi Laagi laagi prem rog laagi..
Jhalak dikhla ja, ek baar aaja aaja..

Ad-men try to catch in on his popoonnlarity by using his song "Jhalak Dikhla Jaa" for motorbikes. Methinks they want to prove that their bikes would also go oooonn once started, so like in cars, you can also enjoy music on the go.

By this time, wisecracks have come up with their PJs. Like this one:
Identify the song:
OO
OON
OOON
OOOON
OOOOON
OOOOOON
OOOOOOON

Didn't guess?
OOOOOOOON Huzoor, 13 13 13 surrooor.

And this one: There is a house called "DIL" where all the walls have 13 written over them. Identify the song:
DIL ki surkh diwaron pe, naam hai 13, 13... naam hai 13 13...

In spite of all this, people like her indulge in Himmy-bashing. What I don't understand is how can people say all these things about dear Himmy?

Crooning Himmy's songs in Karaoke will help you clear your nasal passages. Breath control and nasal voice modulation improve beyond imagination. In fact, those who croon Himms breathe better than those who chant vedic hymns. I think they fare a tad better than those who do Surya namaskar and Art of Living.

Ooonning once at bedtime will convince the mosquitoes that you are one of them, so they will not bite you. It will also identify you to the diseased dogs in the street, so they won't howl in front of your house.

Oooning with greater gusto, with increase in tempo, while listening to dhik chick dhik chick music will help cure constipation, and improve bowel movements. Himmy has 'himm'self said that he does not rest until he composes at least 3 songs a day. No wonder you don't get his appointment in the mornings.

Here is a man who is curing ailments, repelling mosquitoes and rabid canines, giving ideas for making brand new PJs, and all you do is indulge in Himmy-bash?...Tch tch...

Ok, thats all...I'm rolling on the floor now....Hoo hoo hoooooooonnn...Oh no, now i'm laughing in ooooon.

Update: Oh!! I thought I had heard it all. Villagers have now banned Himmy's Jhalak dikhla jaa, because the "ek baar aaja aaja" brings back the dead from their graves. The villagers have turned off the radio, and burnt all CDs and cassettes of that song. Wonder how it will affect the sales of bikes though.

Viky avarinda modalane ardhashataka...

Ok, this is my fiftieth post here. In order to make it special, this is in vernacular.

eega kelawu dina keLage, nanu nanna friend na keLde..."Enappa samachara bengaLooru hegide?". awa reply maaDida "Lo Viky, bengaLooru poorti kelawu jeevanada sathyagaLu rounDu hoDitaide".

nanu shake aade...yoonu yavaglinda jeevana, tatva anta hoda anta...amele mail bantu...

jeevanada sathyagaLu : aagatto? aagalvo?

1. bus hodre bus sTanDu alle irutte, adre cycle hodre, sTanDu jotege hogatte.
2. neenu bussalli hattidru, bussu ninmele hattidru, ticket thagoLodu neene.
3. ticket thagonDu oLage hogodu 'cinema theatre', oLage hogi ticket thagoLodu 'operation theatre'.
4. cellnalli BALANCE illa andre CALL maDakke agalla, manushyange CALL illa andre BALANCE maDakke agalla.
5. train eshTe faaaasTagi hodru, kone bogie barodu konegene.
6. cream biscuit madhya cream iratte, adre beNNe biscuit madhya beNNe iratta?
7. naayige naalakku kaale irabahudu, adre adikke kaal mele kaalu haki koothkoLakke agatta?
8. soLLe kachchidre 'aane kaalu' barutte...adre aane kachchdre 'soLLe kaalu' barutta?
9. hattu iruve seri ondu aane na kachbahudu...aadre hattu aane seri ondu iruve na kachchake agatta?

adu haage irli biDi, nange idella sumaru SMSgaLu bantu....along with 'suryange torcha?', 'saraswatige tuitionna?' thara messages. ella odi sumaru maja bantu...adre yelladikkintha maja bandiddu namma AYHAY dialogue gaLalli....(AYHAY anta nanna roomie, ille pune li biddu vaddaDtidda, eega London nalli Thames neeralli snana maDtane...bere nu eno maDtane, adre adirli)

hmm, onsala ayhay sakkat chaLi li walking hogidnante. thara-thara naDugiso chaLi li avanige allello dooradalli ondu bajji-gaDi kaaNtu. "ohoho" ankonDu ayhay gaaDi kaDe hoda....eNNe banDli pakka meNsinkai, baLekai aloogeDDe ella bajji ittu...
ayhay - "saar, bisi en ide?"
bajji-awa - "saar, takshNakke, eNNe bisi ide".

ayhay alle flaatu.

onsala aytalla, sumne irbeku taane. illa. huDuk-buddhi elli hogatte? hoda namma krishna bakery kaDe ge. shelf nalli line agi jentuppada bottle iTTiddru. togobekagiddu one pound breaddu. taleharTege keLda -
ayhay - "saar, jentuppaddu bottle eshTu beeLatte?"
bakery-awa - "en saar heege keLtira? beeLsidre ella beeLatte."

hangandidde taDa, breaddu etkonDu oDu...

Sadly, inonsolpa "gems" collect maDoNa anno ashtralli London ge relocate agbiTTidane...irli...en barode ilwa? bandre mataDode ilwa? awanu mataDidmele innenu...avnu heLodu hechcho, nanu illi bariyodu hechcho?

PS: title nalli modalanedu yake andre nanu eraDu mooru kaDe baritini....God willing, and Me willing, nanu allu on fifty hoDitini....

One leg at a time

Came across this in some forward I received -

"If we jumped into our pants simultaneously placing both legs in at one time, we would land heavily on the ground. As a majority of us are getting dressed at the same time of the morning, the cumulative effect would cause an earth tremor. Due to the use of time zones, the tremor established In Eastern Time would arrive in the central zone at precisely the moment all those people were jumping into their pants. The tremor would increase in size exponentially, and proceed west to combine with the mountain zone folks as they get dressed. As this cycle encircles the globe, it would feed upon the next day's Tremor and eventually cause the earth's crust to break apart and float into space.

This is why we put our pants on one leg at a time."

Whew... in case you can't see me at eye-level, look down. I'm on the floor.

QnR: Partyspeak

A party for R is a all-night all-guys drinking spree, unless otherwise specified. When the guys meet, they are greeting each other, backslapping and pulling each other's legs. Every one speaks in a common language. Before drinks that is. Afterwards, you can start counting the languages. Every damn thing comes out, and is discussed at length. From the first crush to the last heartbreak, everything is revisited. College life comes out, vivid as ever, memories are refreshed, jokes cracked, a detailed analysis is done vis a vis life then, and it is agreed that life was much more fun then, and another round is served. So on it goes into the night.

The morning after, friendships are at an alltime high. Should Q call anyone "R didnt come home last night", half a dozen friends would vouch that he was with them the last night. And then half a dozen calls would go to R's cell, saying Q had called. And R would have a tough time saying all seven of them were together, catching up on life at a eighth person's house.

Conversations with his male friends are over in less than a minute. He can convey a hundred things in "Yes, Ok...No not that, the other one. Yep. U bet. Thats on me, yes. Sure, Bye". The others understand too. When he says "nothing", there is no need to ask "You sure?". God forbid you walk away saying OK, when she says "Nothing". With girls everything is the opposite. Nothing always means there is something. She is not fine when she says "Fine". A Maybe is most definitely a Yes, and a "Thanks a lot" is absolutely no thanks.

QnR: May I take you out for dinner?

He will eat anything anywhere.

Whether it is a chai at a footpath hotel or sushi in a suburban deli, he will not fuss too much. In the rare case that he doesnt like anything, he will just not eat it. Take her out on a treat -- "The guy put his hand in the jug, how can you drink from it" at the footpath, "The plate has something on it, lets go somewhere else" at the chat center, "The service is so late, has he gone to grow the cereals?" at the restaurant, "The prices are so high, I can make better manchurian at home", at the suburban deli, "The food is so oily" at the bhajia stall, "The cup is dirty" at the tea stall.

He is like "Kya naatak hai yaar, we guys have been doing these things for so many years before we met you gals...zinda nahi hain kya?"

QnR: Shopping et al

No matter what you do, he gets his clothes dirty in half a working day. And he is not overly bothered about it. A shirt will be worn as long as the deo does its job and it will be washed only when it becomes unwearable. I will not write about jeans. Finding an ironed shirt is an impossible task in the room. Announce a client visit or a crucial interview at short notice, and he will either wear a friend's clean shirt or buy a new one. Shoes are polished only once on the day of wearing. Any dust that the left shoe accumulates after the polish will see the calf portion of the right trouser and vice versa. Canvas shoes are never washed and are made to undergo the ultimate test of quality and endurance.

Two sets of shoes are enough for him. She, in contrast, is always short of footwear. Every dress should have a matching footwear and every footwear will have a matching dress. In fact she has only two problems: 1. Too less clothes to wear. 2. Too less wardrobe space.

He is generally clear-headed while shopping. A trip to buy a pair of trousers will end in just that. He knows the cut, the type, the fabric, and all he has to do is go to the store, pick the stuff, pay the bill and outta there. She will spend half a day (lunch included) to buy a single top, when she had actually come looking for a skirt, which someone in her parlour said was on sale.

He can finish shopping gifts for three weddings, two birthday parties, a social gathering and a thanksgiving in a single trip of one hour. She needs to be taken seven times, to seven different shops to search seven gifts and shortlist one for each occasion. Each gift has to be different and of a different price range. God, she even starts rating the recipients, "He is more close to me ya, I cant give him this.", "Arre, Seema is also giving him the same thing, ya". He goes "God, give them anything yaar, the wedding couple will be more interested in their honeymoon, they wont sit and compare who gave what." Then he cracks this joke which goes "Men will pay Rs.200 for something they really need, even if it costs only Rs.100. Women will pay Rs.100 for a Rs.200 item which they do not need, but just because it is on sale."

QnR: Life in General

She is Q. Because she is always asking "Kyon". He is R. Because he is explaining it to her, "Aw, its not like that", "Aw, it works like this".

Someone had asked me once, why only Q and R? Why not something else. Well, Someone, now you know.

He is generally messy, and comfortable in his own mess. He can live in absolute harmony with his remote, laptop, mobile, chargers, wallet, watch, bike keys, towel, tracks, yesterday's shirt, jeans, belt, specs and newspaper all lying on his bed. He can give you money, answer a call, watch TV, put two chargers in the socket and switch them on with a flick of the rolled up newspaper, all with the slightest movements of his body. He can find his things in the mess, wherever they are. The worst case is he may have to yank the bedspread down, and he will definitely get the laundry receipt he was looking for.

She is cleanliness personified. God forbid her cleaning out his room and bring some order into his life. He will go out and call her from the PCO to find out where his mobile is, and for two days he will be on the mobile, asking her where the other things are. "Q, where is my charger?", "Q, there was this recharge coupon near the pillow, where did you keep it?", "Where are my bike keys, yaar, why do you keep miss-placing things?". "It is there only, R, just look around" will only get "It is not anywhere near the bed" in response.

The bedspread may not have been changed for two weeks at a stretch, but he can never see the dirt on it. In extreme circumstances, he resorts to reverse engineering, and the thing is taken care of for 2 more weeks. This goes on until Q comes and gives him a earful, or some other person of the other sex comes and explicitly spells it out "CHANGE THE BED SPREADS".

Ask him about it, and he will only say "Boys will be boys, Oh oh Oh oh Oh oh...".
There is more.

Poor Jokes

Finally I write on something I really love. I came across this blog http://ouchmytoe.rediffblogs.com and this guy JV Rajan is some guy, I tell ya. He brings out these jokes which can easily be classified into the "PJ" category, and they have me smiling everytime I see one coming. I am totally hooked on to this guy's blog.

Anyway, this is the joke which I saw on his blog:

A neutron goes into a bar and orders a drink.
He drinks and drinks and when it comes to paying the bill, the neutron gives a cheque.
The bartender refuses payment saying, "Sir, for you, there is no charge".

Neutron is puzzled and comes out and meets an atom. Like all of us who drink, these two drunks, started talking. An upset neutron told the atom: "They refused to take any money from me". Atom enquired "Why??"
Neutron: "Don't know man. I am sure there is something fishy happening here".
Atom: "I also have this feeling. As soon as I came to this pub, I lost an electron".
Neutron: "What? You lost an electron??".
Atom: "Yes".
Neutron: "That's really sad man. Are you sure??".
Atom: "Yes, I am positive!?".

Jokes apart, let us dwell on what actually is a poor joke.

Q: What is a poor joke?
A: PJ
Q: What is a complex poor joke?
A: (P + i J)
Q: Why dont people laugh at complex poor jokes?
A: Because the joke part of it is imaginary.

Logical enough, dont u think?

And then there was this knock-knock joke I came across in another blog:
Husband: I can make you cry.
Wife: You do? Honey, just try.
H: Knock knock.
W: Who's there?
H: Boo
W: Boo Who?
H: Hah....gotcha.

Then there is this ultimate PJ which has more than one answer:
Q: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

A1: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette
A2: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette.
A3: Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP) "TIP TIP barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee" -- us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee.
A4: Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous & "jalney lagega".

Well, these are all the ones which we have heard and read in our emails, and there are quite a few original ones, which have come off me in real "situations". But then, that's another day's topic. They don't call me PJ Master for nothing.

Gok's gal

Goks: People, I got my girl.
Viky: Cheers mate, when do I get to ride her.
Goks: She's all mine, but you can ride her from the back.
Viky: The rear is always for the taking, but I was talking of 'you-know-what'. These are experienced hands, I will rev her up like anything.

Chillax guys, the girl of Gokul's dreams is a YAMAHA RX 100, and it has fallen right into his hands, and boy, is he happy about it?

Hey Goks, this post is for you, mate. Drive safely, and always with a helmet.