Love, Marriage and the Arrangements

Last weekend saw one of my friends attending a "groom-showing" ceremony. That's because she would be the bride in the equation. Somehow, this thing of "seeing" a bride/groom intrigues me no end. There is the tingling feeling of whom you may meet, whether the chemistry would be instant, or would fizz out like a half-opened can of beer.

I listened with keen interest as she kept on telling me details of their conversation, just the two of them. It was like the first date, only that this was a kind of family-arranged "blind" date. Breaking the ice, the hesitation, the urge to show your dry humor once the other person drops his/her guard, the deliberate need to make the other person feel comfortable...all this makes you kinda ecstatic. Its also true that you are put off if the other person is not responsive enough, but still...the quest to find a topic on which you can speak on and on, the exchanging of phone numbers, the talking late into nights...seems like a dream, but I have seen many such arranged blind dates flourish and blossom beautifully.

But there is the flip side too. What happens when there is a mismatch? What happens when all the late night talks and tingle were just the initial excitement, where you had this guard on, and after marriage, you drop your guard, to find a different person altogether? Then, you are too late to back out as well, and you resort to compromise. I am not against compromise, nor am I suggesting that relationships be damned at a drop of a hat, without taking the effort to make them work, but there is only so much you can do.

Take for example, what the man of few words says. Three years of bliss, would you want to throw it away. Three years of understanding each other, aligning yourself, and honing yourself, with the objective of spending all your life with the partner of your choice...would you want to throw it away, without making it work? I refrain from advising or suggesting anything to that couple, but I do think that when you feel you have made your choice, when you like a person so much that you want to spend your life with him/her, then caste, creed and all such things don't really matter. And for those to whom it matters, they have to realise that its a conscious decision you have made, and for all you are worth, your decision needs to be respected.

You may give me the argument that in an Indian context, a person marries a family, and not an individual. If you have such close ties with your family, why don't they give your decision the respect it deserves? Why don't they realise that while you searched out your partner, you have thought about them as well. Because for all the times they have been there for you, and made you the man/woman you are, you obviously would see to it that your partner respects and cares for them, along with you.

I am not saying love marriages always work out. All I'm saying is, in love, you can see where it is going. Consider twins. One falls in love, while the other "sees" a boy/girl and gets engaged. Both carry on for three months, getting to know their respective partners. Then, if the first finds that the partner is diametrically opposite to her/his persona, (s)he always has the chance to finish it, and back out with no hard feelings. No strings attached (pun unintended). The other is stuck with his/her polar opposite for life. (I of course, am not implying that things dont work out if the other person is totally opposite. In fact, its a good thing, helps understand each other better)

Here again, you may argue that the second one may have had a fruitful relationship, in spite of all the differences, due to compromises made. Point taken, but there are innumerable examples always. There are love marriages which ended in splitsville. And there are love marriages which worked out beautifully. And there are arranged marriages which worked out beautifully. And there are arranged marriages which were broken in court. And there are love marriages which got the consent of elders and became love-cum-arranged marriages. And there are live-ins. And there are couples who live separately. And extra-maritals. And on and on and on.

Compromises are made everywhere. There are voluntary compromises, which you do, to prevent a relationship going bad . There are frown-on-the-face compromises which you do, to prevent a bad relationship from going worse. There are things you do because your loved one wants you to. Similarly there are things you dont do because your loved one does not want you to. There are women who chuck their job, to look after the child. There are men, who tend the house when the wife is working (Arshad Warsi's is a notable example. He tended his child for two years, without a job, when they felt Maria Goretti's job was more important).

All said and done, things work out if you want them to. And it may take a lot of convincing, and groundwork before commitment. And love marriages give you an excellent platform. I know girls who want to be in a relationship, but are shackled by parental rules. I know girls who have honestly told the family about their plans ahead. Love marriages provide you with a chance to understand each other completely before committing yourself for life. I know for a fact (girls have told me in interesting discussions) that girls are more comfortable going to bed with someone they know, and trust their love and life with, than being undressed by a person they met a week, a month or even three months before.

I am not drawing this discussion to sex without reason. I believe that any relationship founded on sex is not strong enough. What if the guy has some expectations, and the girl, in her apprehensions (she's already naked with a stranger-of-three-months) does not live up to it. Will it not affect their relationship. Is it worth losing a lifetime of sleep over one night of staying awake? Marriage is not just about being good in bed. I believe that sex comes at the culmination of a relationship. The topmost level. The zenith. It gives you complete freedom, and an exulting feeling when your partner is someone whom you love, whom you care for, whom you can trust your life with, for whose happiness you will give up the world.

And this is where arranged marriages tend to falter (Remember, I'm not saying they fail). More often than not, they start with a compromise. And fare for the better or worse.

After a lot of detours and interesting roadblocks (read thought-blocks), I come to the same point where I was. One of my friends attended a "groom-seeing" ceremony last weekend. And both sides have "OK"ed it. The dates have not yet been finalised, but two more people are bidding farewell to their singlehood this season. Happy Married Life. *Raises glass*